The Food Delimma
by AngelUriel
Summary: Hurley is Hungry. Sick of fruit salad and pork, he searches for something substantial. Read and Review! Rated so just in case...COMPLETED. FINISHED. ALL OVER RED ROVER.
1. Gorilla Man

It's my first Lost fanfic! however, since I am no longer allowed to watch Lost, don't flame me because I didn't know what happened.

Charlie is cute

Don't own Lost

Wish I did though

* * *

Hurley struggled over the green vines, curling and clawing at his sagging pants. His sudden weight loss meant that normal sized pants should soon be in order. Large normal that is.

But he was hungry. His stomach craved for something more than pork, fish and the occasional orange. He ripped away an offending vine only to fall through the bush with a resounding earthquake. Lights danced in front of his eyes as he felt himself doing a belly-flop on really hard water.

"Oooooh, dude; that was not cool." He complained, wondering if his head was still attached. Yep, still there.

"That had to be one of the scariest things I have ever witnessed." A British voice breathed. Hurley looked up only to see his best friend white as a sheet, hugging a tree for protection.

"Sorry, dude. I fell over." He said, spitting dirt out of his mouth.

"I could see that. You wouldn't believe the things that have just retreated inside my body." Charlie gulped, peeling himself from the tree.

"Dude, I did not want to know that."

"I'm entitled to complain when giant hairy ape-men come hurtling through the trees intent with world-domination." Charlie said, the colour regaining in his cheeks.

"Are you saying I'm a gorilla?" Hurley smiled, heaving his body upright.

"On this island? I wouldn't be surprised."

"Well, this gorilla is hungry for more than just a banana. I'm starving." He said, hitching up his sagging pants.

"So am I, in fact I was going back to the caves to get something."

"Dude, how 'bout we take a step back in the evolutionary track and become hunters and gatherers for a while? You know, become Locke, find something to eat and be really cool while we are doing it." Hurley said really enthusiastically. Charlie backed away from this sudden outburst.

"I'm fine with pork."

"Ple-ease." He put on his best puppy-dog face (which reminded Charlie of a hairy puffer fish which had just tasted a lemon flavoured jalapeño). Charlie cracked up laughing.

"Okay okay. Just as long you know that I am the caveman and you are the gorilla." Charlie brushed back a few blonde hairs from his forehead.

"Why are you the caveman?"

"Because, my dear friend; compared to you, I am an evolutionary marvel." Charlie winked, waltzing down the trail.

"At least I don't smell like an actual caveman!" Hurley cried, waddling after him.

"Cork it banana-breath, and I will help you to find something on this island that is not fruit-salad." Charlie cried further up the path.

"Damn 'magic peanut-butter' man," Hurley whispered under his breath, "You better not find a damn spinach can and say that there are baked-beans in there! If you do, I'll sit on you!"

"Not to worry. If I did find baked beans, I'm sure you'll generate enough gas to propel us off this god-forsaken island for good." The impish laughed erupted from further up the trail.

* * *

Do you like it? Read and Review!


	2. Milkshake and Hobbits

I have a serious belief if that Hurley is a Star Wars geek, he must know to some degree about Lord of the Rings. considering that Charlie looks remarkably like Dom Monaghan, something has to click.

Charlie is cute

Don't own Lost.

* * *

They explored the semi-explored bits of the forest. The sun rose higher and hotter and soon both hunters stopped hunting. Charlie wiped a bead of sweat out of his eye.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." He sighed.

"I am really hungry now." Hurley moaned, rubbing his gurgling stomach.

"Pop a cork in it. If you were satisfied with pork, you wouldn't be hungry right now."

"I am, but I wanted more than that. I want…potatoes."

"No…Hurley, don't start."

"Baked potatoes with sour cream and bacon…"

"We've got lots of bacon-"

"Crisps. I miss crisps…"

"Hurley…" Charlie warned.

"I also want a milkshake."

"The only milkshake you're going to get around here is if you get Claire and shake her up and down." Charlie revealed a very impish grin.

"Dude, that's really gross." Hurley attempted a look of disgust (which looked remarkably like his puppy-dog face).

"I was only trying to get you to shut up…but now that you've mentioned it, I really want taters."

"Taters? Dude, you sound like something out of Lord of the Rings."

"Don't bag my English, and don't talk to me about Lord of the Rings. I had a very horrible experience before the crash." He shuddered.

"Okay, now I'm interested, tell me more." Hurley swivelled on his tree root to listen better.

"It started when DriveShaft became really popular. I thought that we were becoming something of an international phenomenon, with screaming fangirls everywhere. Whenever I walked on the street, I would be pursued by an adolescent girl in a cloak with a really high-pitched voice. It was weird…"

"Oh, I hate fangirls, sort-of. When I was at the Star Wars convention a few years ago, when Hayden Christensen was there: it was a stampede…knickers flying everywhere." Hurley smiled nostalgically.

"Whose telling the story? I am! Anyway, Lord of the Rings (the second one) comes out and I notice this extremely handsome guy on there, he was some hobbit-dude called Merry, but I can't figure out why it bugged me so much to look at him. After that incredibly long movie, I go to the bathroom and suddenly this girl points me out. A pack of these people come out of nowhere and mob me, screaming "Dom! Dom! Dom!". By the time security came, I had lost a shoe, my shirt and a clump of hair. I think I lost a filling, I'm not sure…"

"Ah ha!" Hurley punched the air in jubilation, "I knew I recognised you from somewhere. Dude! You look like Dominic Monaghan!"

"I know. He once found out about me when I was touring. He paid me to do some magazine shots when he was on holiday. But did I grow sick of hearing about Merry-this, Merry-that – Billy-this-that. It drove me berserk, so I quit the double job. He envied that I could sing, he sounds like a dying cat, and that gave me satisfaction."

Another growl broke the silence.

"Hurley, we need to get you some food before you consume yourself."

"Uh, that wasn't my stomach." Hurley became very white. Both men stared into the bushes, which were moving with something very large.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH:gasp:HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

What happens next? Who knows? I have writers block so even I don't know yet.


	3. Ground Zero

Thanks for the reviews.

missuniverse93, 08starbaby08 and Saharalvr101 big hugs all round.

Don't own Lost

Charlie is really cute.

Sawyer is disgustingly hot

* * *

Charlie and Hurley half expected to be slashed by the monster when sudden cursing erupted from the bush.

"Jah-hesus Christ, can't anyone take a dump on this island without someone bursting out their eardrums?" a southern accent muttered.

"Sawyer?" Charlie gasped.

"Yeah, whaddya expect? A polar bear?" he appeared, tightening his belt.

"Yeah, well, somewhere along those lines." Hurley sighed with relief.

"And what are two little boys like you doing so far away from Cavetown?" Sawyer asked, leaning on a tree. Charlie simmered in the heat and anger.

"We should be asking you why you're so far away from the beach and your hoards." Charlie sniffed.

"Well well; always the inquisitive one. For your information, this is my dump tree. A place I like to take a load off, figuratively speaking." He grinned almost satanically. Charlie and Hurley felt really uncomfortable where they were sitting.

"Why don't you use the one Jack set up near the camp?" Charlie asked, getting up slowly, afraid of small mounds of dirt.

"I don't like to sit on anything Pansy-boy has made; besides, I like the view." He said, pulling back some bushes to reveal an awning view of the ocean and forest, framed by proud cliffs. Hurley whistled, thoroughly impressed.

"A Loo with a View." Charlie said drolly. Sawyer walked to the edge and there was a small zip. Her let loose over the cliff edge and grinned back at them.

"This actually gets really addictive. Anyway, you didn't tell me what you guys are doing around here?"

"We were looking for food."

"Sorry, Hurley, but I'm afraid that there are no fast food joints around here. Unless you guys want some honey." He turned, zipping up.

"Honey…" Hurley said dreamily. Charlie looked at him in alarm.

"Nuh-uh, you are not taking me near any hives. I damn near died the last time I fell into a bloody bee-hive." Charlie cried, jumping up.

"Careful. You nearly hit ground-zero there." Sawyer winced. Charlie looked in horror at his foot.

"Oh My God! Here I am on this Island of Hell, surrounded by odd men, being stalked by tropical polar bears and psychopaths, discussing wether to get killed for a taste of honey in an area covered in human excrement! I can't take it anymore! Argh!" Charlie screamed beating up the tree. Sticks and leaves fell from the branches and stuck in his hair.

"Cool it dude. We're all in the exact same position here. What we need to do is to go to Locke, as him how to get some honey, go to where Sawyer says the hive is, get the honey and then eat it. Simple." Hurley explained, walking away from the tree.

"Why do the hairs raise on the back of my neck when you say that?" Charlie sighed.

"Oh I don't know. Anyway, I have a fair idea where Locke is. Let's go ask the Wizard of Oz how to get rid of the Wicked Queen of Bees." Hurley said, leading the way through the trees. Sawyer looked very confused.

"Can he tell us to get back to Kansas?" Charlie asked Hurley.

"We don't have Ruby Slippers."

"You're going to have brown slippers if you don't watch where you're going, my little Munchkin." Sawyer pointed out to Charlie.

"EWWWWWWWW! You are disgusting and I am not a Munchkin!" Charlie screamed.

"Hobbit then. Hey…wait a minute…you look-"

"NOOOOOOO! Don't say a WORD!"

* * *

To be continued. 

Oh, and I also love Wizard of Oz and will burst out into song at any given moment.

"If I only had had a bra-in!"

Oh and please forgive my toilet humor. Haha


	4. The Wizard of Oz

We-e're off to see the Wiza-ard. You get the picture.

Don't own Lost. How many times do I have to tell you?

I worship the ground Charlie walks on. You get the picture.

* * *

John Locke was expertly skinning a wild pig. The smell wasn't too fantastic, but he kept his mind on the task in front of him.

"John, when can I go and hunt with you?" Walt asked, cleaning the knives he had just practiced with.

"Hmmm, not until you're older." Locke said, peeling carefully. Walt waited a second.

"I'm older now, can I go?" Walt smiled as he rubbed the golden retriever at his feet.

"Well, perhaps what I meant was, when you're taller than that tree stump." He pointed to a stump a few yards away. Walt ran over and scaled the stump like a monkey.

"Okay, I'm bigger now." He said triumphantly. Locke sighed.

"The answer is still no. Perhaps we'll hunt some rabbit or go on a foraging mission. Something easy to start off with." He said. Walt sat on the stump and patted Victor.

"Now?"

"No."

"I'm never going to go am I?" Walt asked rhetorically. Locke smiled. He heard something behind him and lifted up his knife in readiness. Hurley burst through the bushes gasping.

"What happened Hurley?" Locke asked.

"We need some help."

"We?"

"Yeah, us." Sawyer said following Charlie. Locke sheathed his knife, although reluctantly when he saw Sawyer.

"What can I do you for gentlemen?" he asked.

"We need some help getting some honey; though it's obviously not my idea." Charlie thrust his hands into his pockets stubbornly. Locke looked at Walter accusingly; the boy merely shrugged his shoulders.

"Sure. I'll just go and get some fire. We'll need to smoke them out. Hey Walt, are you up for a little hunting?" Locke called up to the dark boy.

"Yeah!" Walt laughed, jumping off the stump. Victor barked and wagged his tail.

"How cute." Sawyer huffed. Locke disappeared through the trees, going back to the camp for some fire.

"You still owe me 20 grand Hurley." Walter poked.

"Don't poke the pudginess. Anyway, where am I going to get 20 grand from? The nearest ATM?" Hurley lowered until they were eye-to-eye.

"Ask Kate." Sawyer laughed.

"Yeah, sounds about right." Hurley muttered _fugitive_ he thought. He looked around Locke's area of the forest. He saw the boar recently killed then looked down to see the pool of blood and entrails directly below it.

"Dude, that's not cool." And he fainted on the ground, narrowly missing crushing Walter.

"Oh hell," Charlie swore attending to his fallen comrade, "Hurley…can you hear me?"

No answer.

"Earth to Hurley. Wake up."

Still no answer.

"He's not dead is he?" Walter asked. Charlie shook his head.

He leant down and whispered, "Fangirls."

"Where?" Hurley asked, turning to Charlie, "dude! Not so close to my face!" he pushed Charlie away. Walt and Sawyer burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Locke asked. He carried with him a large torch and a bucket.

"Never mind." Sawyer waved. Locke shrugged.

"Let's get going. The hive could have moved on by now." Sawyer nodded and went to lead through the trees this time.

"We're off to see the Wiz-zard…" Hurley started to sing.

"No, no. The song you're supposed to be singing is 'If I Only Had a Brain'." Charlie muttered. Hurley stared at him then grinned.

"Ding Dong the witch is dead." He burst out singing.

"Which old witch?" Walt asked.

"The wicked witch! Ding Dong, the wicked witch is dee-eead." Walt, Charlie, Hurley and Locke sang out together.

"Oh Christ." Sawyer sighed, his eye twitching with the same slow rhythm of a time bomb.

* * *

To be continued...

I would imagine Sawyer not joining in as he may not have a good singing voice. Not sure about the others though. I laugh every time i imagine Locke singing in a high tenor.

Or Charlie for that matter. Ha!


	5. Honey Roasted Peanuts

Sorry I took so long! I had blasted exams, and I had no time to exercise my creative abilities.

Charlie is HOT

Sawyer is HOT

No, I don't own Lost, but I damn sure would like to.

* * *

After about fifteen minutes of walking (an eternity to Sawyer), they heard the unmistakable hum of bees. This time, the seemed to have made their abode in the tall reaches of a tree.

"There is no way you are getting me up there," Charlie stated and sat down on a rock heavily, "Bees, heights and Charlie don't go well together."

"Well, we might need your help. That's a pretty tall tree." Locke said. He handed the torch to Sawyer and pulled out a couple of sweaters and strips of fabric from his ever-present back-pack, "saddle up. This is the best protection I can get, can't do much about the hands. Though I doubt that we'll get stung."

"Can I go up with you too?" Walter asked.

"The boy can go, I'm not an expert climber around bees." Sawyer admitted.

"I'm not an expert climber. Period." Hurley blushed. Charlie refused point-blank.

"Yes, I guess you can come too." Locke sighed, "Sawyer, could you climb perhaps half way up so we can hand you the bucket?"

"Sure. Just don't drop anything on me." He handed Charlie the torch. Victor lay on the ground and whined as he saw his master climb the tree. Both Locke and Walt looked like beginners in a turban-wrapping class: folds of cloth covering their heads and shoulders. Sunglasses covered their eyes. Sawyer followed, carrying the bucket between his teeth.

"This had better be worth it!" Sawyer muttered as he passed up the torch, which Hurley gave to him. Locke nodded, unable to speak.

Soon Locke had produced smoke and the sudden humming of the bees rose louder.

"That doesn't sound too good!" Charlie commented on the ground. Locke ignored him and handed Walt the torch. A slight ripping noise opened up the hive and Locke's arms disappeared inside. Charlie shuddered and placed his hands over his eyes, but parted his FATE lettered fingers so he could see. Locke withdrew several blocks of honeycomb triumphantly. Suddenly he paused, watching Victor running away in terror.

"Dude, what is it?" Hurley cried, also noticing this. Locke pulled down the fabric protecting his mouth.

"Climb the tree!" Locke yelled.

"Oh Christ." Charlie gasped as he heard padding footsteps. Hurley was climbing up the only path on the only climbable tree. He heaved the backside of his large friend.

"It's a good thing you're not a fat guy, or this would be _really_ difficult." Charlie groaned sarcastically. He saw the flurry of white fur and suddenly superhuman strength surged through him. In an instant, he threw Hurley higher up in the tree and nimbly leapt several feet before climbing to the top.

"Is everyone okay?" Locke called. The polar bear roared below, unable to climb.

"Yeah, it's a shame I don't have a gun, or this critter would be dead!" Sawyer made a rude gesture towards the animal concerning the middle finger.

Charlie swooned on his branch _here I am, Christ I'm in a tree again, can't breath, Claire, don't go away, must stay awake, can't breath, I'm dying, can't see, can't breath. Claire! _Charlie realised he was holding his breath and released his lungs for sweet tropical air. His panic levels were still high, but he was in no immediate danger.

"John," Walter called to his tutor, "do you think I can get it?"

"Uhhh, I don't know about your accuracy of knives at this height." Locke breathed, white knuckled.

"Not a knife, John." Walt said and lashed out with the torch. The beehive made a graceful arch until it collided on the bear's head. The beast let out a roar of pain and anger as the bees swarmed it angrily. The bear fled, with the bees following it.

"Impressive." Locke admitted. Walt smiled then looked mournfully at his stung and burnt hand.

"Well done young padawan." Hurley laughed as he climbed cautiously down, his sagging pants getting caught in the vines. A branch snapped and he was face first in the ground again.

"I think Mr Pace has to be surgically removed from this tree." Sawyer laughed to Locke. Locke offered him a knife and Charlie was off the tree quicker than you could say "Fangirls".

"You are not going anywhere near me with a knife," Charlie gasped. He sat down on the ground next to Hurley, who was still lying on the ground, "Hurley, what in God's name are you doing?" he asked exasperated.

"Peanuts." Hurley breathed.

"What?"

TBC

* * *

Peanuts, one of the five food groups next to ice cream, chocolate, coke and pizza...yummmm.

Charlie can find me peanuts anytime.


	6. Show me the Peanuts!

I have to admit, I did a little research before going any further on the topic of peanuts.

LunaAqua: Thank you, I'm flattered. Yes they find peanuts, but unfortunately, they don't grow on trees

Fanatsy Cat: I'm glad you laughed so hard. I must be doing something right

Jewess84: Yes, lets think of all the possibilities, heheheh. But really, I did think that Americans did say crisps (must be the ignorant Australian inside me)

Charlie...is...hot...drool

I love Sawyer!

Sorry, don't own Lost. Wish I did, but the milkshakes are mine!

* * *

"I found peanuts!" Hurley pointed to the greenish-yellow shrub on the ground.

"I thought peanuts grew on trees." Charlie scratched his head.

"Nah, I did a project on this in junior high. I learned more about peanuts than I ever cared to know about." Hurley laughed and pulled the shrub from the ground. Small pods emerged from underground and swung in front of Charlie's face.

"Peanuts…peanuts on the island…peanuts are edible…Claire likes peanuts…GIVE ME THE PEANUTS!" Charlie launched towards Hurley reaching for the innocent shrub.

"Hey I found this first. Go find your own shrub." Hurley frowned, raising the shrub above his head. Charlie became extremely frustrated: even though Hurley happened to have the largest width on the island, he was also pretty tall…and Charlie wasn't mistaken for a hobbit for nothing.

"Give it to me!" he yelled, standing on tippee-toes.

"There are other words apart from that. Say the magic word."

"NOW!"

"This sounds reasonably familiar…" Locke trailed off, after climbing down the tree. Charlie thrust out his bottom lip and his hands into his pockets.

"Please…" he sulked. Hurley rolled his eyes.

"Since you have been so rude to me, I think I might give them to Claire myself. Or I could eat them…God knows I need the protein."

"You wouldn't be so _cruel_." Charlie's eyes bulged. Sawyer chuckled from behind, lugging the heavy bucket of honey.

"By the looks of it, my little Muchkin, you're going to have to suck it up to him big-time to get those peanuts." He grinned evilly. An equally evil gleam in Hurley's eyes appeared.

"I know what you can do for me. You can go ask the fugit-I mean, Kate, for 20 grand. Then perhaps I'll give you the peanuts."

"What! 20 grand for a couple of peanuts!" Charlie gasped.

"Sorry dude, inflation has hit the roof on this island, and its time to pay up." Hurley chuckled. Charlie's eye twitched involuntary, any more time on this island and he would become riddled with madness.

"I wanna go back to the real world." He screamed at the sky. Walter came back from his search for his dog and realised it might be a good time to head back. Sawyer was patting Charlie's back sympathetically.

Defeated, Charlie headed back towards the caves.

* * *

To be continued...

Sorry It was such a short chapter, I'm in a study at the moment.


	7. Peanuts ARE good for stomach ulcers

Wow, thank you all for the great reviews! It's a real honour!

Freckles-101 - I'm glad you like this story so much. I left off the episode after Dom was nearly killed by Ethan. I cried so much in that! But I'm not allowed to watch anymore coz I had a fight with my Step-father over a Chemistry tutorial and I'm not allowed to watch ANY TV. Period.

I'm barely surviving. My sister is keeping me up-to-date.

Yes, before I go any further. I'm a Physics and Chemistry nerd! It's not boring, you get to learn the Right-Hand Grip Rule, and make jokes about circular motion. Don't even talk to me about the Mole! mwa-hahahaha!

Whirlwind-2005- Thankyou for the review. You know...I want a world with BOTH Charlie and Dom. Twice the Trouble, Twice the Fun.

Okay, so the dog's name is Vincent. So sue me.

* * *

Charlie muttered as he headed back to the caves, behind him stalked Sawyer, whistling the theme song to The Wizard of Oz. The conman was beginning to grate on the ex-drug addict's nerves.

"Oh, be quiet." He muttered.

"You didn't stop when I asked you to." Sawyer retorted and continued his off-note tune. When they reached the forest path, the tune changed to "Follow the Yellow Brick Road". Charlie was relieved when he saw the cave entrance.

Kate was sunning herself on a rock, next to Sun's garden, playing with her little toy plane. It disappeared when she saw Sawyer.

"Good afternoon, Freckles." He said.

"Hello Sawyer. What do you want?" She replied, none too politely.

"Just to see the sunlight on your face…producing more freckles." He chuckled. Charlie placed a well-aimed kick to his upper ankle. Sawyer bit down his lips to contain the cry of pain as he floated down to nurse his ankle.

"Careful Sawyer. Another inner release of anger like that, and you're looking at a stomach ulcer." Charlie raised his eyebrows unsympathetically.

"When did you become the doctor?" He wheezed.

"Go to Jack if you want a second opinion. I don't think he has that great of an opinion of you either." He watched Sawyer heave his injured pride away.

"Damn yo-owowowow." He cried as limped away.

"He's milking it, the old sook." Charlie huffed mainly to himself.

"Thank you Charlie." Kate said with mirth in her eyes.

"No problem. Actually…oh this embarrassing…I was wondering where I might find 20 grand, and I was told that you might know." Charlie's foot shyly traced a pattern in the dirt.

"Twenty thousand dollars? What for?" she asked. Sun appeared, with a watering can. She ignored them and checked up on her medicinal plants.

"I've got to buy some peanuts."

There was a stunned silence and Kate cracked up laughing, "That's ridiculous!"

"This isn't funny you know."

"Yes it is hahahaaa."

"Hurley's got them hostage." He moaned.

"Heh heh. And you need the ransom?" she wiped away a tear of mirth, "Tell me, where did he find them? Did they fall from the plane?"

"No, they were on the island. They grow here, but he's not letting me have them." He sulked. Sun was suddenly interested.

"Can you bring the plant here? I would not mind trying to grow it." she asked.

"Sometimes it is weird listening to you speak English. Yeah, sure; only if Hurley hasn't killed it."

"I just need the plant to identify it. It is very useful…very nourishing." She said.

"I know. That's why I've got to get it. There is a woman who needs it, and I'm running out of imaginary peanut butter." Charlie stood tall. Kate rolled her eyes.

"Wait a second, you old romantic. I might have the solution." She rummaged though her silver case and counted a wad of green notes. She handed him the resultant few. His face lit up in delight.

"Thank you so much Kate; I owe you one." He waved as he skipped out of the cave.

"Yeah, you owe me twenty grand, and a peanut plant minus the peanuts!" She shouted out to him. Jack walked across the room.

"What was that all about?" He asked.

"Will you ever give me peanuts like that?" She sighed happily, gazing out the entrance of the cave.

"What?"

"Never mind." Kate said rolling her eyes.

* * *

To Be Continued...

OH, before I forget, I don't own Lost. But sure would love to.

I love Charl- mmmmmm- Peanuts.


	8. WinniethePooh

Yo, I'm back. And I'm happy because I'm nearly at the end of term. Yay! But since I only have Internet access at school, I'm going to have to finish it soon...yes, I'm banned from the home internet too. Why? I downloaded too many things and crashed the computer. Jeezus, the thing was, like, five years old...it was bound to bust soon.

Fantasy Cat- Yeah, thank you. Unfortunately the pick-up line doesn't work on any other men.

Whirlwind- Remember that little silver case of Kate's? Well there was a huge amount of money in there, and I think twenty grand was just petty cash to her.

FanOfLOST- It sucks that I don't know what's happening, but writing about it can be even more fun.

Don't own LOST. Sure would

Charlie is my little Munchkin.

Sawyer should learn to sing.

* * *

"Okay, now that we have the honey. Can I eat it?" Hurley asked Locke.

"Well…It seems weird to have honey by itself. Perhaps we should find something to have it with." Locke mused. They had arrived at the beach and were sitting around the plastic bucket.

"Perhaps…honey marinated pork?" Hurley suggested.

"Honey and banana?"

"Lemon and Honey?"

* * *

Angel Uriel now discontinues writing to grab a peanut butter and honey sandwich and a triple chocolate milkshake. All this writing is hungry work, especially with Hurley and Locke being no help what-so-ever.

* * *

"Honey Roasted Peanuts?" Hurley said, triumphantly dangling the peanut bush.

"We could, but there could be no peanuts left on the island. That would mean devastation to poor old Charlie."

"Dude, who cares? I want to get stuck into this honey, before the bees come back from attacking Winnie-the-Pooh, bent on taking revenge." Hurley pulled the bucket in his direction.

"Wait, honey is extremely anti-bacterial. Perhaps Jack would like some." Locke pulled the bucket back.

"Screw Jack! Dude, I want to eat! He can find his own bee-hive." He pulled the bucket back again.

"I'll get a pot for Jack. Hurley! Don't stick your fingers in like that! Now you've got sand everywhere," Locke snatched the bucket out of Hurley's reach. Hurley trying to eat honey from his hands, "Gosh, I wish you've washed your hands."

"Who are you, my mother?" he said, licking the remains of honey on his lips. Locke sighed heavily.

"No, I'm not. But could you think about something else apart from your empty stomach, for once?" he grabbed two long-empty salsa jars from his bag.

"No. Hey where did you get those from?"

"Salsa is my favourite food…of sorts…I always _used_ to carry some wherever I went," Locke dipped both pots into the bucket, and withdrew them nearly overflowing with honey, "Here, some for you; well it was your own fault for getting sand in it. The other jar is for Jack."

"Dude, why are you taking the bucket?" Hurley asked mournfully.

"Honey marinated pork, of course." Locke grinned.

"Mmmmmmmmm, rotisserie style?" he drooled.

"Perhaps. I'm not exactly a huge fan of shoving a log up a pig's arse, then trying to cook it over a piddly little fire…but, I think I can work something out." Locke smiled, carrying the bucket over his shoulder, and headed off to his little niche in the woods.

Leaving Hurley alone with the peanuts.

TBC

* * *

Dun-dun duuuuuuunh!

That was a music score by-the-way. Anywho, I'm a big fan of rotisserie meats, and I understand that roasting a wild bore on a stick is something you would only find in Asterix comics...come to think about it...Charlie is Asterix and Hurley is Obelix! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaa!

Sorry, They're not really, but they're both cute. Charlie is possibly a billion times more cute...but...ya get me, right?


	9. Patsy and the Animal

Hey thanx for all the wonderful reviews! I don't have much time I'm in a physics class, and bored witless.

Don't own Lost

I own heaps of Dom/Charlie backgrounds. heheh

* * *

Hurley is truly a nice guy…but that depended on one's point of view. Let's take the peanut bush, for example…the peanut bush and its offspring (the peanuts) were having a pleasant day. The sun was strong enough to induce photosynthesis, the water was plentiful and the carbon dioxide was rich. It was the good life for a plant.

But suddenly, out of seeming non-existence, its first contact with a human being was to prove potentially fatal to the plant. It was ripped out of the ground by pudgy fingers and some of its leaves were smashed by the overwhelming pressure by those same hands. It was taken far out into inhospitable territory, a place of sand and salt, and was left to wilt and die in the heat.

In its agony, it sensed it torturer near. It knew it would die, but gave a silent plea:

_I may die, but please…PLEASE, save my children! I'm begging you! Plant them and give them life!_

Hurley felt a call and raised his hand for action, but the plant's call was over-ridden by a stronger, more animal, force.

**Dude, this is your stomach speaking. I am very upset you haven't paid very much attention to me lately. You see those brown pods? Yes? Inside are peanuts…I want those. Ignore those feelings of guilt for Charlie and the god-forsaken plant, TAKE SOME!**

Hurley reached over and took a peanut pod from the plant.

_NO! Not my dear Penelope and Percival. AH! How dear you take Paris and Paul! You-you ANIMAL!_

Suddenly, the plant's saviour appeared from nowhere and leapt upon the unsuspecting Hurley.

"I saw you eating them you pig!" Charlie cried, wrenching the plant out of his reach.

"I only had two pods!"

"Yes, you only had two…which means you had four peanuts, which means you had eight half-peanuts. This means that there are fewer peanuts for Claire!"

_Huh? Fewer peanuts for Claire? Is that some new monster? You can't have my children!_

"Dude, you are obsessed!" Hurley curled up into a protective ball, pointing an accusing sticky middle finger at Charlie. Charlie returned the finger gesture, the large "A" waggling in front of Hurley's face.

"I can't _believe_ I spent the entire day looking for something for you to eat! Going through polar bears, killer bees, killer debt, not to mention walking through the forest with that psycho Sawyer…and now :sniff: when I find peanuts, you deny them to me!"

"Dude, don't cry on me." Hurley said, looking at Charlie. Charlie had reverted back into sulking mode and attempted a puppy-dog face at Hurley. Considering that Charlie was cuter and had better control over his facial muscles, it worked.

"I'm sorry Charlie," Hurley sighed, "even though I did find the peanuts first, I shouldn't have dragged you along like that."

"No, I'm sorry to, I went along voluntarily, and I shouldn't complain about something I choose to do."

"Dude, that's okay." Hurley said, patting Charlie's back.

"Here, I have your twenty thousand dollars. If you want to repay me, give it to Kate…that's if we ever get off this island."

"Dude! Thank you! Here's my- I mean, your peanuts." Hurley gave the wilting bush to Charlie. Charlie jumped in delight and began to prance around swinging the bush in the air, much to the peanut bush's terror.

"Thank you Hurley!" Charlie said, and began to skip in the general direction of Claire.

"That's Okay. And stop nancing around! You're not going to win any hearts looking like a prat on heat!" he called to him.

"Yes Hurley." And Charlie began to walk slowly, dragging his feet in the sand.

* * *

The peanut bush's name is Patsy 


	10. French Surprise

Sorry about the wait, despite the fact that my exams are over, I still have a lot of work to do. Winter has currently set in here in Melbourne and all I can do is dream of Charlie on that sunny beach deep in the recesses of my mind...

Enough of that. I have a Formal (prom) in a few days and my fake tan is not working. I guess I'm destined to glow in the dark for the rest of my life...and Charlie is mocking me from that beach far, far away. Damn him!

Thank you for all of the reviews, they give me the motovation to keep going.

Don't own LOST.

Charlie is hot, and is on a beach somewhere...

* * *

Charlie was in good spirits and sang as he walked up the forest path back to the caves. He was still very wary walking alone, so every now and again, he would break out into a swashbuckling pose and once ended up challenging a tree with a stick.

"I challenge you to a duel! En garde!" He said with his best French accent, and feinted and parried around the truck.

"Is zat za best you can do? Your mozer is a 'amster, and your fazer smells of elderberries! I 'ave you now! Ah ha ha ha!" and he thrust his stick at the tree laughing. The sharp stick snapped a vine, and it whirled around the tree. The wind whistling sounded remarkably like _Touché!_ as Charlie received a back-handed slap.

"Ooooh, He got me, he got me." Charlie rolled around in mock agony.

"Yes, he sure did."

Charlie's scream sounded remarkably like a small girl's.

"I saw the whole thing," Walt chuckled, appearing from seemingly nowhere, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone…yet."

"You better not, or I'll fling you in the water for shark bait." Charlie gasped. It seemed certain that he would die of a heart attack before he was thirty.

"I just came to tell you John's having a feast tonight…he's using the last of the tea, coffee and sugar from the plane. And we have cooked heaps of pork, in many different ways. He's got three others on the job. He's inviting everyone to the caves, and you have to be there."

"Sure, I'll be there. After plain pork, honey marinated pork sounds delicious," Charlie nodded, half sarcastically, "now scram. I have business to attend to." and he walked down the path with mock dignity, making Walt giggle.

Before long, he reached Claire's small niche in the cave. Finding that she wasn't there at present, he looked around worried and found Claire talking to Jack. Relieved, he plucked off all the ripe peanuts and presented them on a large leaf and waited for her to come around.

"Hello there, Charlie. I haven't seen you all day." Claire said sweetly, her massive bulge ploughing ahead of her.

"That's because I have a surprise for you…and also Hurley dragged me around half the island looking for something to eat. But that's not important." He said, helping her to sit down.

"A surprise for me? What is it?" She asked, trying to catch a glimpse of the item behind his back.

"Peanuts." Charlie revealed, setting down the large leaf.

"I think I have forgotten what they taste like." Claire admitted.

"I think I've forgotten the taste of beer, but that might be a good thing. C'mere and I'll help you remember." Charlie cracked open a shell and liberated a peanut, "close your eyes and open your mouth."

She obeyed and Charlie slipped in a peanut. As she crunched, her eyes flew open.

"I remember now, mmmmmmmmmm. This is what I've been wanting for a while."

"Do you want more?"

"Yes. Something's coming back to me…A song."

"Which song?"

"I dunno, I think it might be a commercial jingle." She hummed the tune.

"I've either never heard of it, or you're tone-deaf." Charlie laughed.

"_I'm a peanut butter nutterrrrrr_…no? You can't remember? Wait…I think I was in New Zealand at the time and it was a commercial there. I had some cousins there, though I'm not sure."

"That probably explains why I haven't heard of it. Never been to New Zealand…Dom Monaghan did, wouldn't shut up about it. Everything was about how he went around filming that goddamn movie…" Charlie muttered.

"Who's Dom Monaghan?"

"Don't worry about it…he was a movie star."

"Movie star…wait, something is coming back to me…what the hell is a hobbit?" Claire's face was screwed up in thought. Charlie groaned.

"Christ, there are some days you just can't win." He sighed, rubbing his hands through his hair.

A little later…

"What have you done to this plant!" Sun cried as Charlie presented the crippled peanut bush to her.

"As I said before, Hurley killed it, and it's been in my pocket for some time now."

"You should be more careful! It is going to take a long time for it to grow again." She hugged the small plant. Charlie shrugged and moved on.

_Hey…_The plant thought out of it misery_ This monster is quite nice…it's putting me in soil…is that water pouring over me? Ahhhhhh, that's nice. Hi there, my name is Patsy…I like you…

* * *

_

There is an old commercial song like that in New Zealand, and I wish I knew all of the words, but I whistle the tune all the time...that's when I'm not whistling that Hobbit song from LOTR. 


	11. Tea, two sugars and a spot of honey

Oh No! this is the end!

It's finished. Kaput. Kicked the bucket. All Over Red Rover.

Hopefully I will write more stuff on LOST, but, I write really random stuff for really random things (as you've probably noticed)

Keep Reviewing.

I don't own LOST, but hell, would I like to.

Dom, Charlie and Sawyer are all hot.

And I'm still glowing in the dark.

* * *

Hurley was one of the last ones to arrive at the caves, and nearly fifty people were arranged in a typical dinner setting. He noticed to food hadn't arrived and sat down between Walt and Charlie. Walt squirmed over quickly, but not fast enough.

"Hurley…you're squishing me." Walt gasped.

"Sorry dude, not much space on the floor."

"You got that right." Charlie gasped on the other side, "geroff my leg."

"Sorry, sorry. Hey, where's all the food?"

"It's coming, and it coming slower than a migrating coconut. But, keep your pants on." Charlie laughed. Hurley pulled up his sagging pants discretely. He wiggled and pulled out the large wad of money from his shirt pocket and presented it to Walt.

"Here you go…don't spend it all at once." Hurley smirked. Walt's eyes widened as he held the money in his hands, then realised that he had nothing to spend it on. He presently stuffed it in his pocket.

"That's a lot of money for a little boy." Sawyer appeared and sat directly opposite them, right beside Kate. She groaned and edged a little closer to Jack, who was right next to her.

"I'm not a little boy…besides; I won that money fair and square." Walter huffed.

"You saying that I don't?"

"You probably couldn't win a game fairly to save your life."

Hurley elbowed him in the ribs. Sawyer raised his eyes in bemused shock.

"Of course I have! But, then again, I have a skill for hiding aces up my sleeves…I don't want to waste any talent." He chuckled slyly, calming down. Walt and Charlie frowned furiously at him.

It was Locke's timing that broke the tension. He arrived and was carrying a large platter full of carved meat, he was followed by several people carrying pots of tea and coffee, coconut shells, platters of honey, fish, fruit salad and a small bowl of (very crumbled) sugar cubes. People applauded, and some (like Charlie) said Grace.

"Dear Lord, thank you for allowing me to stay alive this day, despite the hardship of killer bees, Hurley's stomach, demented bears and whopping debt. I thank you. Also, please get me off this island. If you do that, I will go to church everyday for a month. Amen." And using the sugar tongs, he launched himself into the large platter of meat.

He had to admit Locke's skill with cooking surpassed his expectations, and ate hungrily, "This is pretty good isn't it Hurley? Hurley?"

Hurley couldn't answer, he was crying with joy.

Sawyer poured tea into his coconut shell, he was still steaming over the little boy's retort, but cheered up when he looked at the freckles on Kate's face.

"Pass the sugar, sugar." He asked her. She rolled her eyes and gave him the small silver bowl.

"Pass the honey, honey." He smirked. She passed him the jar of honey, her lips pressed thinly together.

"Pass the tea, _bag_." She asked evilly. Sawyer silently gave her the teapot. Hurley and Charlie choked with laughter and Jack was laughing quietly to himself.

"Heh heh heh…ah hahaha! Dude! I-I think something just came out of my nose." Hurley snorted to Charlie, "Whoa, dude! Breathe."

Charlie gasped in a breath and remained giggling. Soon they both stopped and wiped away tears of mirth, but by that time, people had finished their meal and were left to doze and relax by the many fires.

"I feel like singing a song. Any song requests Claire?" he asked the pregnant woman.

"No. I don't know…sing something nice for tonight." She smiled. Charlie bobbed excitedly and grabbed his guitar, and was soon plucking some sweet unknown melody.

Hurley was resting quietly. He was content, after satisfying his hunger and having a wonderfully adventurous day. Two dark skinny legs confronted him.

"Hey, Hurley. Do you want to play backgammon with me?" Walt asked.

"Well…Okay. No cheating alright, dude?" he lifted himself of the ground.

"Alright! I bet twenty thousand dollars that I'll win tonight, knowing you that you suck harder than a raver on a Chupa-Chup."

"Hey! That's really mean, dude. Well, I'll see you and raise you to eighty-two thousand dollars." Hurley smiled.

"Deal?"

"Deal." Hurley shook Walt's outstretched hand.

A little later…

"Dude! How did you do that! You must have pulled some nasty little Jedi trick on me, you scrawny little runt. Hey! Come back here!" Hurley shouted out over the magical calm created by full bellies listening to Charlie's guitar.

* * *

THE END

* * *

Dom is my God and Sporks are the most random thing on the planet. 


End file.
